What is this Feeling? A Wicked Exploration of Loathing in Borderline Personality Disorder
Sometimes, music can express internal experiences that are hard to convey in words.
In the Broadway show, Wicked, popularized by the recent film, there is a song called “What Is This Feeling” in which the principal characters, Glinda and Elphaba, voice their deep loathing for each other.
Loathing is defined as a “feeling is intense disgust, dislike or hatred.” It is typically used to capture negative experiences about external people, places or things.
When I heard this song in the movie theatre for the first time, I was taken with its interpretation of loathing because of its application to borderline personality disorder (BPD).
People who are diagnosed with BPD experience self-loathing or self-hatred internally, towards themselves. The song can help us understand more about this internal experience.
In the context of the film, Glinda is beautiful and popular, yet insecure. Elphaba is different and green, yet gifted with inner power. They are both threatened by each other’s perceived strengths and differences. Glinda and Elphaba are suddenly forced to room together at Shiz University. Being thrown into this new living situation has made them feel a new emotion that they have not felt before: loathing.
“What is this feeling
So sudden and new?
I felt the moment
I laid eyes on you.”
When people with BPD experience self-loathing and emptiness, the feelings are sharp and painful. The psychological impact of self-hatred can be felt in their bodies, affecting their limbic and neurological systems, including sense, impulses and sensory systems.
“My pulse is rushing
My head is reeling
My face is flushing
What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame
Does it have a name?
Yes!
Loathing”
People with BPD have described their emotional pain as being felt throughout their bodies in the following way: “It’s like my brain is one fire.”
“Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing
There's a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation
It's so pure! So strong!
Though I do admit it came on fast”
The emotional and physical impact of self-loathing in BPD can lead to distorted thoughts or dissociation. It can also lead people with BPD to engage in impulsive behaviors or experience suicidal thoughts to cope with the pain. The person with BPD is often desperate to do anything they can in the moment to get rid of the feelings, and sometimes this can put their lives at risk.
In the film, Glinda turns to friends for support. They collectively engage in social schemes to hurt Elphaba to cope with their loathing. Elphaba practices individual acts to move things around in the room or disrupt Glinda in classes.
People with BPD however often do not have the skills or support to manage the intensity of their self-loathing. The recovery journey often begins when they tell others what they are feeling and seek help. This can be by speaking to a friend, family member or therapist, who can help them understand the feelings.
BPD treatment involves learning to identify emotional experiences, and developing ways to cope with them. Instead of not knowing what “this feeling” is, through therapy and support, people with BPD can name their feelings, gaining control over their impulses, and their ability to express themselves.
Listening to “What is this Feeling” in Wicked can help others have more compassion for people with borderline personality disorder, struggling with self-loathing. It can help others understand how self-loathing feels.
By learning to listen and see beyond their external appearance, the characters of Glinda and Elphaba were able to let go of their loathing for good. By helping people with BPD connect with resources and support, we can help them similarly fly on the journey, defying stigma, and transforming fear into hope for recovery.
Emotions Matter is a 501c3 non-profit organization to support, educate and advocate for people impacted by BPD through peer programs. For more information, www.emotionsmatterbpd.org.
Paula Tusiani-Eng, LMSW, M.Div., Co-Executive Director, Emotions Matter Inc
Songwriter: Stephen Schwartz: “What is this Feeling,” Wicked.