BPD Loss Memorial Wall of Remembrance

Emotions Matter is creating a new page on its website to share photos of people who have lost their lives a result of borderline personaity disorder.   The purpose of this page is to honor their memory, and to give visual representation to the cost to society of untreated or misdiagnosed BPD.

An estimated 1.6% of the population is diagnosed with BPD, which is milllions of Americans.  Sadly, 10% of people diagnosed with BPD die by suicide, overdose, or other reasons. Death from BPD is not publicly spoken about because of traumatic grief, shame and stigma.

Emotions Matter honors all of the people who have lived with BPD, and not survived. We celebrate their lives, and carry their spirits and stories with us as we support the living. Click on the pictures below to read more about each individual.

Taya’s Story:

Taya was brilliant, talented, charismatic, beautiful, imaginative, creative, and fun. She loved to write and wanted to either be a surgeon, a writer, or both. Her mental health challenges emerged when she was 11, though professionals we encountered didn’t believe that people under 18 could have BPD. She battled bravely against the BPD that slowly consumed her brain and ultimately led to her tragic death. Taya best described her feelings this way:

“You don’t know what it’s like, to be bursting like a river inside, so much inside of you and nowhere for it to go. A sea of thoughts and emotions caught, trapped inside your body so your very skin starts to explode. Pores erupting because no one understands, no one cares. No way to escape or get out because it’s all you, creating and filling and stretching your body with feelings. Every day is another straw on the already broken back – you’re just waiting for it to fall apart and disintegrate. The waves rock inside and push and pull and there’s no way to escape, no solace from this never ending nightmare. Everything hurts, just need to be alone and stay alone. Can’t be around anybody who will kill yourself or your body or you, not you but what makes you you. Everybody and everything hurts like salt on a freshly cut wound. A rocket shooting off into space and then being stopped and turned around, because it has no energy left. A spool of golden thread which keeps unraveling and unraveling until there’s nothing left, just a empty roll of cardboard which is tossed away.”

Maddy’s Story:

Sadly, like so many others with BPD, Maddy was a beautiful, intelligent, talented, creative and motivated young person. She had the world at her feet and so many opportunities open to her and she should have lived a long and amazing life.... Except that she eventually lost her battle with BPD...

This insidious disease caused Maddy to struggle with everyday life in her last few years. It was as if Maddy was connected to this rubber band that would allow her to get oh so close to achieving her goals, yet it would snatch her back at the last moment, back into darkness and despair.

Maddy fought her hardest to overcome her BPD, even before she was diagnosed. She sought treatment, she tried to understand it, she tried to stay healthy and be kind to herself, she had the support of her family, yet ultimately it all became too much, the "system" let her down when she needed it the most and she eventually took her own life in March 2019.

I know that I did everything to help Maddy and she also tried her upmost to live with her BPD. The medical system knows so little about this disease and really had little to offer her. As a global community we still have so far to go in need to help and treat those with BPD. It is my hope that one day we can find much better treatments and possibly a cure.

Lauryn’s Story:

Lauryn was brilliant, creative, quirky, and loving. She loved her family intensely and hated us intensely. Her illness suffocated her into suicidal throughs throughout her horrendously painful short life. She tried so hard to be able to live a life worth living. Lauryn's suicidal thoughts and attempts were dangerous and petrifying. Lauryn came out of in-patient treatments with such determination and desire to continue getting healthier, although when she wasn't able to attend the proper step down programs which were financially exorbitant, I watched her devastatingly repeated declines into the bleak darkness. Lauryn explained herself as follows:

My Life in Black and White -The Light Switch Within

“I know I act crazy, but I am not crazy. In my world, “I hate you” means “I love you”. Once I turn off, I do not know how to leave this black world I find myself in. It is like when you are mixing colors and you get black, and you try to make it a light purple or pink again, but no matter what colors you add, the black always remains.” - Lauryn Okaly

“My Magical World would be just simply, perfectly fabulous. It would be full of fun, laughter, and freedom to be yourself. There would always be beautiful rainbows in the magnificent sky full of fluffy white marshmallow pillows all painted on an aquamarine sky. Puppies, kittens, turtles, babies, and unicorns would roam this land where nothing, for anyone, would ever go wrong. It always was and always will be 100% safe here. Everything is free. All the streets bounce so you can jump as a form of transportation. There is no racism or hatred of others for their appearances, religion, sexual preferences etc. Peace. love. Laughter. Family. Friends. All are the secret ingredients to make yourself happy and give you the journey of life, wherever it goes.” - Lauryn Okaly